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What started out as a site to update on our daughter's cancer has thankfully grown into a site to update on our beautiful family of four. Enjoy our journey...

Monday, March 14, 2011

happy cancer-versary

(On Tuesday - March 15th - we will honor Charli's cancer-versary...I KNOW if I wait to post until morning, I will forget all together!!)

You all know her story, but yet on this day - 4 years after we heard "we think Charli has cancer" I feel compelled to talk about it, write about it, get it out...whatever it is. I will admit that each year gets better and better. Year #1 I was a wreck in February. She had just had surgery, I started a new job, it was so fresh, etc. Year #2 was a little better, yet I think I was just starting to really "deal" with what we went through. Year #3 was all about making it a celebration for Charli and now are are at year #4. It truly is a celebration, had the cancer not been found - I know I wouldn't be writing this blog today. That is something to celebrate.

I have always said that life will never be the same, and it won't. From the outside I am sure it looks the same. We work, the kids go to daycare, we play on the weekends, the kids fight, they get in trouble, they learn, they love, they grow, and they do all the typical things they should do. The difference is, we have done it all with a cloud of the past above us. Each milestone and each highlight in Charli's life is amplified. Should it be, maybe not. But is it, yes. Regardless of the reality we have been blessed to have, there was a time it was all unknown. There was a time I had doubt, there was a time I didn't have hope. These were short lived, but they were still there and the black hole (while small) is still present enough...not that I still feel that way, but I can still remember HOW I felt when I felt that way. I am not sure how to put that into words. The fact of the matter is that while I know Charli is a vibrant 4-year old with the world at her finger-tips I can still remember standing in wal-mart thinking "will she..."and that is a feeling that never-ever goes away. I can laugh it off now, as just a moment in time when the unknown beat out our hope and faith, for a small-small moment in time. However, being forced to face that and feel that way will never be something I can laugh at.

Having said all of that, what a path God put us on. Humble is the only word I can use when I describe how being Charli's mom can make me feel. I look at our life now, this week, this year and I think of all the greatness we would have missed out on had this not been our life. I have an awesome opportunity to travel the state and share Charli's story as a Hero of Hope for the American Cancer Society. Most days I shrug the "big-ness" of this off...but today I am going to relish in it. As Relay season picks up I am able, almost weekly (!!!) to share Charli's story of HOPE. I, Brenda, am able to look others in the eye and I can see their fear for themselves or their loved one, and I can see if fade. I can see them take Charli's story in and see that lives are being saved - I can see the weight fall off of their shoulders sometimes. I see them look at Charli with all the wonder and awe in the world, and know that God delivers miracles. There are times I can actually feel their pain go away. Does that seem possible? I have met survivors of childhood cancer and I have met mothers of angels. I would not have understood that 4 years and one day ago. I was too self-absorbed to feel the pain of others. I know the phrase "I feel your pain" is over-used, but I CAN and I DO feel their pain. Gosh, just ask a few of my close friends who have seen me go off the deep end each time someone I care about in treatment takes a step back. I have said that sometimes it is debilitating. But, it is worth it. To be able to connect to people who sometimes feel like no one understands...

Four years ago we adopted the phrase "expect miracles", and we do. Not only do we, but I know others do too!! One thing I will never get sick of is seeing pictures of my three "young" nephews (25, 22, 16) and seeing that they sport, everyday, Charli's bracelet from four years ago. They are not "too cool" for that. The oldest two have gotten tattoos in honor of that with the phrase "expect miracles" on them...I expect Derek to follow suit when he is old enough (no pressure, just think he will!!). What amazing men, to be so faithful to their cousins journey. I say men, even though to me they are still little, because it is a sign of maturity to be so kind.

sidebar: (I think that when I am at a loss for words I ramble, case and point - now!!)

Through all of this, we have had great friends and family stand by us and push us on when we probably couldn't have had we not had them there to be watching. I often think about the calls I would make to my friend Linda, I could call her just to cry...and in the next sentence still love hearing her talk about her trials in raising a "tween"! I think about how excited my sisters girls were to finally get to play with Charli when she was all better...and all the suckers they at the first time they got to play at the farm together after treatment! I remember her oldest, Ryen, whose imagery friend had cancer and couldn't be around lots of people. I remember strangers sending notes and leaving messages of hello...and I remember someone apologizing to the moon and back for just weeks before telling me how horrible it was to name a girl "Charli" (in the house of God no less!)!!!! (she felt like such an ass when she found out Charli had cancer!!!)

I remember thinking, man when she goes to kindergarten here is no way I am going to cry and be sad..I will cry with tears of JOY because that means FIVE years!! You know what, I will cry both kind of tears!! I remember just wanting her to be normal, more than anything else. And, last summer when she had a very typical "childhood" moment and I was left devastated, it was my sister who called and left a teary message of "brenda, three years ago you wanted nothing more for her than to feel good enough to play a little rough" -- and she was right. A naughty kid means a healthy kid - and I thank God we have those moments!!

I guess what I am trying to say is that on Charli's 4th cancer-versary I am filled with hope, sadness, anxiety, faith, worry, and happiness. While this is not the life I planned, I am thankful it is the life I have.

Thank you for still coming back to check on our family! We have added a little brother who thinks the world of his sister, just like the rest of us!! They will never know - they will never understand..and I am okay with that. My goal, my wish, is that with the work Chad and I continue to do they will feel the desire to keep it going on their own freewill someday. Might be a stretch, but it is my hope!

In honor of Charli's cancer-versary I challenge you to go do something that makes you think of Charli today!!! And - I would LOVE to hear about it!!

10 comments:

The Preister's said...

i forgot to add...to honor Charli I will be sharing her story with another Relay event!

Jen said...

You leave me speechless. But you left me speechless 4 years ago too, so I guess somethings never change. I still remember you telling me how upsetting it was that people would say how strong you were...because you were just a mom doing what you had to do and were no stronger than any other mom who would have face what you were facing. You didn't have a choice. That may have been true then...BUT now. now you do have a choice. You continue to fight back against cancer even while Charli's personal fight has ended. You choose to make a difference. You choose to reach out. You choose to leave the world a better place, when you could have choosen to be bitter, angry & Scared. Today I say you are strong. You are amazing because today you do get to choose. Thanks for fighting.

Anonymous said...

As soon as I stopped shedding tears, I wanted to comment on your blog. Once again, you've amazed me with your strength and will to continue to fight this nasty cancer. While Charli and Landon are healthy and happy kids, the fear and worry you spoke of is still very real. Thank you for always being my pillar of strength. It's truly amazing that God wanted our paths to cross--I am not sure where I'd be without you and your support! HUGS and PRAISE BE TO GOD on Charli's 4th Cancer-versary!! Love ya, Courtney

krafty kelly said...

God does give out miracles, Charli is one of them. Another reason why I will always Relay. Praying for Charlis continued NED & normal childhood!

Smolek Happenings said...

AMEN!!!! :) You're so strong and precious, Brenda. I'm so proud of you and your family, how you've stepped out and reached out to fight fight fight. :) Congrats on the 4 years.....and here's to MANY MANY more!!! :) I love to see the pictures of those little girls playing on the farm, riding 4wheelers, etc....kind of reminds me of a couple of other little girls that did the same thing at their age......watch out for that mean 'ol rooster!! ;)

Anonymous said...

What an amazing story. What an amazing little girl and what an amazing family!!! May God continue to bless you and be with you all. I, too, remember all the feelings that I had four years ago (& since that time) and sometimes I feel not quite strong enough to handle everything...........that is when I look to you!!!
MOM

Deqlan said...

Thank You Lord for the gift of Charli and the miracle she is ! Thank You for Brenda and Chad and all they hard work in raising awareness for childhood cancer! Thank You for the lovely friends we have made across the sea's and that we can celebrate in all Charli's milestones and get to watch her grow up and develop into this beautiful little girl You have planned for her to be!Today, in your honor Charli, we will take Deqlans tractors out - just for you! God Bless, lots of love and hugs Mark Samm Deqlan Logan

Sarah said...

Brenda, you are so right. Even though we can't see the good in our situations when we are in such pain, when we stand back and look at the big picture, there is a reason for everything. Your story is inspiring! It gives me hope and courage and strength to deal with whatever this life throws our way. Thank you for teaching me to never take life for granted and live each moment to the fullest. I wish I could have been there for you when you were going though your toughest times like you have been for me but I wouldn't have been able to understand then like I do now. Thank you for using your situation to help others and more importantly to help find a cure in the future. We will pray for Charli today and everyday, that she may live a happy and healthy life. God Bless you and your family, the Classen's

The Currie Family said...

what a blessing from God! It is a true testament to your faith when you are going through such a trial but still give God all the glory. As a Mom I can't imagine what you went through but it makes my heart happy that God chose to heal Charli!

Grma and Grmpa Preister said...

I am slow to respond but fast to love! I remember sitting in tears and praying as Charli was napping one day at your home. And I remember the words that I heard/felt in that small "heart voice" which speaks to us in our moments of distress and in the quiet stillness of prayer. It said, "Be still...and know I have a plan." I have trusted God in that plan for Charli from that day forward...and for you...all of you. It is an honor and a priviledge to know you...to love you. Thank you for the blessing you have been and continue to be. Charli is a beautiful miracle. You are in my prayers always and I thank God for allowing us to share our lives. God bless you and keep you always! XXXXOOOOPPPP