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What started out as a site to update on our daughter's cancer has thankfully grown into a site to update on our beautiful family of four. Enjoy our journey...

Friday, April 20, 2007

how DO you do it?

I bet I am asked this 10 times a day! I want you ALL to know...that if need be - YOU COULD DO IT TOO.

I think that in the beginning of all of this, it was a little easier to accept. I don't think I really realized (and probably still don't) the "big picture", but slowly I am starting to see the reality of it all. I am not sure if today is just an 'off day' or what, but I am just seeing things in a different light today I guess!

Charli's counts have "hit bottom" according to the nurse, that made me cry. I don't know why...I knew it would happen, and we were just waiting. The good news, she can only go up - right!? It just made me realize how truly long the road ahead may be.

You go through pregnancy thinking that if you can make it past 12 weeks you are fine. That is not true, terrible things can happen at anytime - sadly I have seen this to be true. THEN, you think, once you have the baby and you leave the hospital that things are going to be fine. WRONG. Obviously, no one really believes that - because bad things can happen anytime (just like good things can happen at any time too!). But at least I was under the impression that having normal well-baby checks was enough. I am not trying to scare anyone or anything like that…just trying to get some thoughts out, so please don’t take any of this wrong. You just never expect to have this happen to you. Famous words, right?

Sometimes I think that because Charli acts like she feels so good all the time that it is easier to accept that she is ‘sick’. But then, like today, I see her lying so peacefully and perfect in her crib just like a “normal” baby…and it breaks my heart.

Someone told me today “you don’t always have to be tough Brenda.” But if not ‘tough’, then what? Sad, mad, angry, hurt, jealous, envious, hopeless, faithful? I am all of those things too, trust me.

Most of the time when people tell me how amazing they think I am doing, or how well I am holding up – I feel guilty…because I am not always like that, although I try to be. The way I look at it is this – at this point in our life we have few options on how we can handle this. We can wonder why (which I do), and have it take over my life – and change our family in a way that we can never undo. Or, I can TRY to look on the bright side of things. Either way, one day Charli is going to grow up and want to be a normal kid…only one of those options will allow us to go on and be “normal”. To me, the choice seems easy.

Having said that, one thing I need to work on is just accepting this and embracing it – and not try to write it off. So many times I find myself telling people, “it could be worse, we are lucky”. And, I TRULY believe this too. However, we still have a problem on our hands…no matter how big or small others may think it is. But, this is our problem to defeat…and we are working on it – one day at a time.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Brenda -
I see the benefit poster. Please let us "out of state/out of towners" that want to do something know what we can do to help! I am moved reading your honest thoughts and know it's got to be hard to share them sometimes. You are very much in our thoughts. Enjoy every day with that beautiful girl of yours, and keep us posted :)
~Jessica and James

JAndzulis said...

Brenda-

It is ok to have off days- I don't think I could be as strong as you have been - Even though we do not know eachother I think about you and Charli everyday. She (your family) is my thoughts and prayers. You can just tell she is a little trooper and so adorable. Hang in there!!

Julie Andzulis (babyfit.com (grzesikjm)