Monday

Tomorrow is the day we go down for scans.

There aren't a lot of words to describe tomorrow. Tonight when a friend asked I told her "most people don't need need to go to the doctor on a regular basis to find out their child is okay, so having to do that kind of sucks but I do appreciate that we have the opportunity to do it." And, in another conversation I realized that Charli has not had a "well-baby" check-up since she was 6-months old. This isn't because we are bad parents who neglect her health, but rather because she has met with her oncologist on such a regular schedule that we have not had to. This is our reality.

So, tonight when I go to bed in a few minutes I will relive all the moments recently that I took for granted, all the times I raised my voice instead of offered hugs, all the moments I didn't realize how great life is, and all the moments I would have died to live the life we have now. The great part is, this IS our life -- all I dreamed of and more 4 years ago, I have.

Tomorrow we will wake up and make the journey to the hospital to draw blood, visit with the doctor, and wait for the news we expect, which is that she is doing great. We know she is, and we know that is what we will hear.

But tonight just before I fall asleep for the night, my mind will play the worst case scenario in my head, tears will fall down my face, and before I start to panic I will remember that Charli WILL be fine and that fear is normal. Well, normal for us anyway.

sweet dreams...

spring has sprung!

We had a few great days before spring...once spring hit things have gone downhill!! It is much easier to handle when you know it is short term. The snow we got early this morning is so beautiful!

Harper is a hat man. Each morning he will go for a hat and tugs that puppy down low...so low you can't see his eyes! And that is the way he rolls until I take if off!! If he needs to see above he will crank his head up before he will adjust his hat!! He has three favorite now, and none john deere!

Charli looks so pretty! Harper looks so cheesy - this is his new face, hard to find a picture of him where he doesn't look like this!

we had to break out the meds at our house again!! Harper has never really gotten over his cough, but it has only bothered him at night. This week it came back and he shared with Charli. We have had more sickness this winter than ever!


the view from our backyard!

so pretty!

we all know that before we can correct our children from doing wrong we must first take their picture!

its sooooo funny to stand on top of chairs when no one is looking! he will just giggle and giggle to himself! I turned around to see this, and had to laugh. The look on his face was priceless! not to mention, the only way this child will learn is to "learn the hard way" this has already been determined and proven!!

Charli did not feel so hot Thursday afternoon. I got a call around 3:30 saying she was crying in pain, and that is not typical of Charli - at all. She can tolerate pain really well and tends to mope around when she isn't feeling well rather than cry. I suggested giving her a drink and seeing how she felt after a little food. But, less than ten minutes later I got another call saying she was not in good shape. I took off to pick her up and couldn't believe my eyes and ears!! Charli was in rare form, I have never-ever seen her in so much pain! I decided to take her into Urgent Care later, because I knew she would never make until morning. She has a bad ear infection, which probably would not have ended in rupture - but he said it was super soar. The picture above is of Charli after I sat her on the counter so I could fill up a glass of water! She laid down and was shaking in pain - I couldn't believe it! She was like I had never seen her before!!

A few hours after the call she was acting and feeling much better. I am not sure if it was a little fresh air, or just mom-love, but something made her feel a little better before bed (pretty sure it was mom-love). Glad to report she is back to normal today! YAY!

Charli found time to relax...a sign she was not feeling normal!!

and after awhile she even had energy to play with her brother! It was hard to believe it was the same child!!

oh.my.gosh. you can literally see the back of this throat! I am sure he has inherited his big mouth from his father.

I am not sure what this is about, but thought the photo captions could go on, and on, and on!!

one lucky little girl!! Charli made an elaborate car path with her cards, blocks, boxes...pretty much everything in her room!!

this has been in Charli's room for a long time! but I saw it the other day and thought to myself...what amazing words to be surrounded with!!

working hard on her project!

Charli had a sucker from the dr. and was holding onto the wrapper, when I took it to put in my pocket she replied "no mom don't, I want to keep that for my collection"! Great, a hoarder!!

Have a great weekend ya'll!!!

spring brings good things!!!!

This spring weather has been good to our family, we have had so many great days together with all the sunshine...I almost feel like I might jinx it if I say it out loud!!

After our fun day with Charli on Friday Chad and I had a "date"! We went out to eat and saw a movie...I am working on my list from several weeks ago :-)

Saturday was a little bit of everything - but Sunday was probably the topper for the weekend. We had the Relay For Life breakfast in Humphrey this morning. After Sunday School Chad brought the kids there. Charli sat like such a big girl at the table where raffles were. Harper, of course, was not going to sit still so he spent a lot of time being chased outside. He did make it in doors and had a great time with about 4-5 other kids who were dancing to some music! There was a girl about 4-months older than him, you could tell she had older siblings (!!), and she would just walk around "roaring" to Harper! At first Harper just gave her a funny look, then they started going back and forth!! You could also tell she has had to defend herself because anytime Harper got close she would swat at him! It was too funny to watch, I think I could have sat for hours!! They were cute!!

After naps today we tried to pack as much fun in as we could! We did a bike ride, a walk, and some fun with shaving cream thanks to Jen! (sorry we didn't come to Rising to bring you a pop instead!!) We took off for the shop where we rode 4-wheelers for hours!! It was great. If I could snap my fingers we would be living out there tomorrow...the kids are in their prime when they get to play, Chad can manage some work in, and I get to watch it all happen!! Ahhh, the dream.

Enjoy the pictures!

I will admit that at first this was too messy of an idea for Charli. For being a "boy" she has some really girly qualities I told her :-)

this one, on the other hand, had no problem making as big of a mess as he could!

Charli jumped right in after a minute of seeing Harper have all the fun!

they were having a great time and got busted by dad walking in on the fun!! Chad had a hard time with this activity, Mr. Clean and all ;-)

had.a.blast!

I was envisioning streaks of white up and down my walls and windows!! But, he behaved!

it was about 'now' that I realized none of our hoses were hooked up outside to clean our table off! oops!! ahh, details!

we got all cleaned up, we were ready to put new clothes on...and this is what I turn around to find! thank you for doing this before i changed your clothes ;-)

jackpot!! Harper likes to sit up and help, he just discovered the *junk* drawer!!

after movie night Charli was acting silly - pretending she was sleeping. We said that we were going to put her in Wynston and Kaspers bed...she didn't budge so we did it!! I think her faking it relaxed her so much that she went straight to bed that night! I am pretty sure if we left her there she would have fallen asleep!

new buddies

friday fun-day!

We're inside on a little rest-break from our post cancer-versary Friday Fun-Day, to keep a happy 4-year old!!

We've really enjoyed our day, so I thought I would share some pictures while Charli has some downtime to unwind a bit!

After breakfast we took Harper to daycare, and he didn't notice that Charli was not with him, which is good! I wasn't sure how he would like going without his sidekick! We took both Chad and Charli to get their glasses fixed before the fun began!! Charli's glass broke with some combination of Harper & Charli..God only knows!

We spent a good 90 minutes painting, and considering the length of time we were there Charli really was great. She wanted to do a plate again this year. I did a ribbon and a bowl and Chad did a keepsake box for her. They all stayed behind to be baked, so it will be awhile before we get them back!

After our painting adventure we went to Applebees where we played eye spy and sang songs! Charli thought it was neat to eat "inside" :-)

Bowling was probably the highlight, although she was upset she couldn't get them all down like other people! Having said that Charli did beat Chad by 10 pins!! lol, ahhhh - fair and square too!!

When we got home Charli had one more cancer-versary surprise waiting for her! Grandma & Grandpa Preister left Charli a buzz and woody toy! Harper got a Tiger too, just so he wasn't left out :-) Charli thinks it is prety neat that she got to have a date with mom and dad, Harper got a date with Lynn, and mom and dad are going on a date tonight!! "date" is her new 'thing'! She would love to have more dates she told me!!

enjoy the pictures!

part of our fun day was shoe shopping! Charli has been asking for twinkle-toes, so she got to pick them out today!! She is pretty excited! This has to be the most girly thing she has ever done and/or wanted!

stocked up on some cute flip-flops! the nike's have memory foam, I want some!

these are out of order! but more fun with the balloons this week!

resting with her new buzz and woody! And, drinking from a little kid cup! she saw buzz and spiderman a few weeks ago and really wanted to get them for harper and her! Buzz her her #1 pal right now!

very excited to see what was peeking out of her surprise today!

by the end of the game she was running up and tossing with some momentum!

showing me the sign for "Christ", when I said cross...she busted out in a song they sing at church and when they sing the word Christ they make the sign!

deep in thought for a serious game of 3-man eye spy!

her colorful plate this year!

serious business! picking colors was her favorite part! not using 250 different colors was her biggest challenge!!

the love of great friends....

We have over 58 more reasons to love our friends!!! While at the Relay tonight they were nice enough to give Charli about anything she wanted!! She came home with about 10 balloons and a noise maker...a metal one that one break on it's own! We get home and see bundle after bundle of balloons for Charli! Her face was beaming!!! Harper loved them too...we loved them too!! Thank you Linda and company!

We were surprised with many acts of kindness today!! My friend Jen raised over $100 to honor Charli for her Relay team today, in ONE day!! We had other friends make donations to Charli's page, wear their Charli shirts, call, give us wonderful messages of support and more!! Today was a great day. Today was a day of celebration. Today was a day to remember!!

Enjoy the pictures of Charli beaming with the joy that only balloons can bring!!

'they are all for me'?!!!

pure excitement!

dancing in a world of balloons!

she loves balloons, what a great fun surprise!!

so proud!

we love this girl!

Again, thank you to each and everyone one of you who helped make today extra special!! Thanks to grandma for staying with Harper so we could take Charli to the event tonight!

happy cancer-versary

(On Tuesday - March 15th - we will honor Charli's cancer-versary...I KNOW if I wait to post until morning, I will forget all together!!)

You all know her story, but yet on this day - 4 years after we heard "we think Charli has cancer" I feel compelled to talk about it, write about it, get it out...whatever it is. I will admit that each year gets better and better. Year #1 I was a wreck in February. She had just had surgery, I started a new job, it was so fresh, etc. Year #2 was a little better, yet I think I was just starting to really "deal" with what we went through. Year #3 was all about making it a celebration for Charli and now are are at year #4. It truly is a celebration, had the cancer not been found - I know I wouldn't be writing this blog today. That is something to celebrate.

I have always said that life will never be the same, and it won't. From the outside I am sure it looks the same. We work, the kids go to daycare, we play on the weekends, the kids fight, they get in trouble, they learn, they love, they grow, and they do all the typical things they should do. The difference is, we have done it all with a cloud of the past above us. Each milestone and each highlight in Charli's life is amplified. Should it be, maybe not. But is it, yes. Regardless of the reality we have been blessed to have, there was a time it was all unknown. There was a time I had doubt, there was a time I didn't have hope. These were short lived, but they were still there and the black hole (while small) is still present enough...not that I still feel that way, but I can still remember HOW I felt when I felt that way. I am not sure how to put that into words. The fact of the matter is that while I know Charli is a vibrant 4-year old with the world at her finger-tips I can still remember standing in wal-mart thinking "will she..."and that is a feeling that never-ever goes away. I can laugh it off now, as just a moment in time when the unknown beat out our hope and faith, for a small-small moment in time. However, being forced to face that and feel that way will never be something I can laugh at.

Having said all of that, what a path God put us on. Humble is the only word I can use when I describe how being Charli's mom can make me feel. I look at our life now, this week, this year and I think of all the greatness we would have missed out on had this not been our life. I have an awesome opportunity to travel the state and share Charli's story as a Hero of Hope for the American Cancer Society. Most days I shrug the "big-ness" of this off...but today I am going to relish in it. As Relay season picks up I am able, almost weekly (!!!) to share Charli's story of HOPE. I, Brenda, am able to look others in the eye and I can see their fear for themselves or their loved one, and I can see if fade. I can see them take Charli's story in and see that lives are being saved - I can see the weight fall off of their shoulders sometimes. I see them look at Charli with all the wonder and awe in the world, and know that God delivers miracles. There are times I can actually feel their pain go away. Does that seem possible? I have met survivors of childhood cancer and I have met mothers of angels. I would not have understood that 4 years and one day ago. I was too self-absorbed to feel the pain of others. I know the phrase "I feel your pain" is over-used, but I CAN and I DO feel their pain. Gosh, just ask a few of my close friends who have seen me go off the deep end each time someone I care about in treatment takes a step back. I have said that sometimes it is debilitating. But, it is worth it. To be able to connect to people who sometimes feel like no one understands...

Four years ago we adopted the phrase "expect miracles", and we do. Not only do we, but I know others do too!! One thing I will never get sick of is seeing pictures of my three "young" nephews (25, 22, 16) and seeing that they sport, everyday, Charli's bracelet from four years ago. They are not "too cool" for that. The oldest two have gotten tattoos in honor of that with the phrase "expect miracles" on them...I expect Derek to follow suit when he is old enough (no pressure, just think he will!!). What amazing men, to be so faithful to their cousins journey. I say men, even though to me they are still little, because it is a sign of maturity to be so kind.

sidebar: (I think that when I am at a loss for words I ramble, case and point - now!!)

Through all of this, we have had great friends and family stand by us and push us on when we probably couldn't have had we not had them there to be watching. I often think about the calls I would make to my friend Linda, I could call her just to cry...and in the next sentence still love hearing her talk about her trials in raising a "tween"! I think about how excited my sisters girls were to finally get to play with Charli when she was all better...and all the suckers they at the first time they got to play at the farm together after treatment! I remember her oldest, Ryen, whose imagery friend had cancer and couldn't be around lots of people. I remember strangers sending notes and leaving messages of hello...and I remember someone apologizing to the moon and back for just weeks before telling me how horrible it was to name a girl "Charli" (in the house of God no less!)!!!! (she felt like such an ass when she found out Charli had cancer!!!)

I remember thinking, man when she goes to kindergarten here is no way I am going to cry and be sad..I will cry with tears of JOY because that means FIVE years!! You know what, I will cry both kind of tears!! I remember just wanting her to be normal, more than anything else. And, last summer when she had a very typical "childhood" moment and I was left devastated, it was my sister who called and left a teary message of "brenda, three years ago you wanted nothing more for her than to feel good enough to play a little rough" -- and she was right. A naughty kid means a healthy kid - and I thank God we have those moments!!

I guess what I am trying to say is that on Charli's 4th cancer-versary I am filled with hope, sadness, anxiety, faith, worry, and happiness. While this is not the life I planned, I am thankful it is the life I have.

Thank you for still coming back to check on our family! We have added a little brother who thinks the world of his sister, just like the rest of us!! They will never know - they will never understand..and I am okay with that. My goal, my wish, is that with the work Chad and I continue to do they will feel the desire to keep it going on their own freewill someday. Might be a stretch, but it is my hope!

In honor of Charli's cancer-versary I challenge you to go do something that makes you think of Charli today!!! And - I would LOVE to hear about it!!

new bff

We had a fun weekend, again :-)

Chad got to spend the entire day with the kids Saturday as I made my way to state bowling. Before you laugh, just remember not everyone makes it to state...right Kelsey?! (this is not true, anyone can go if they want!!) It is a great excuse to spend good girl time, so who doesn't want to go!?

Charli sang in church this morning followed by typical afternoon stuff and topped off with a visit and supper with grandma and grandpa borg! I am pretty sure Charli found a new bff for the week. She and grandpa Charlie washed his car together followed by about 90+ minutes of uninterrupted play! I snuck in there once and found them playing "guys" however, the next I went in there they had about every toy and half the books out in some sort of maze for cars! It was so much fun to hear them play!

Harper was in prime form for the rest of us in the living room. He is such a different child when Charli isn't around!

Tuesday will mark "4-years" since Charli was diagnosed so we have some fun things planned for a fun day for her again this year. Some days it feels like 4 years, and others more like 4 weeks. Life is an amazing journey, and we never know what tomorrow will have in store for us. Today I overheard an adult tell Charli "you have no idea what an inspiration you are to so many do you?" I looked at Charli and she shrugged her shoulders and gave them a high-five! She will never know, WE will probably never know!

this was early on, as you can see only a few toys had the privilege of being out so far!! It was just priceless to hear these two play, and giggle!! I am pretty sure Charli and Charlie had a great time together!

big helper! Charli and Harper have graduated to washing their hands alone before we eat... I never really know how it goes so I wanted to see today! It was too cute to not grab my camera for! She does a great job with him!

She was giving him step-by-step reminders! I love this picture because I think you can see the love and attention in her face.

it's a sad day for me...we have to retire Harper's excavating pj's!! He has worn these multiple times a week since his birthday last June!! Sad, sad, sad!! :-) They just don't make a more perfect pj for this boy!

Harper cannot wait until this 4-wheeler becomes his! I am not sure when Charli will outgrow this size, I assume Harper will want it long before she is willing to give it up!! We will change out the pink for black so it will feel nice and brand new again in a few years!!